Humor

Police: Burglar uses church equipment to view porn

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Okla. electric crews say bobcat caused outage

Oklahoma Gas and Electric officials said a pole climbing bobcat is to blame for a power outage in southern Oklahoma OG&E spokesman Brian Alford said repair crews found the smoldering body of the bobcat Tuesday at the top of a utility pole in Johnston County. The power outage left about 3,100 customers without power about 9:30 p.m. and power was restored about 10:45 p.m.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Police: Drunk woman lets 14-year-old son drive

A 37-year-old woman was accused of putting her 14-year-old behind the wheel because she was too drunk to drive. The woman was arrested Saturday after Washington County Sheriff's deputies stopped a vehicle on U.S. Highway 75 because of erratic driving. Deputies found the woman's 14-year-old son in the driver's seat and two other minors - ages 14 and 17 - in the car.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Midnight knitter pulls the wool over NJ shore town

Someone is spinning quite a yarn over one New Jersey shore town. An unknown person dubbed The Midnight Knitter by West Cape May residents is covering tree branches and lamp poles with little sweaters under cover of darkness.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Police: Calif. robber holds up 11 people, gets $6

They say crime doesn't pay. For one robber in California, it did - but not much. Authorities in Riverside County say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Man allegedly robs pharmacy, puts cash on counter

Police in northern Idaho arrested a robber accused of demanding a controlled drug from a pharmacy, then throwing cash on the counter before fleeing. Kootenai County Sheriff Lt. Stu Miller said a 39-year-old man was arrested Tuesday.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Woman delivers surprise baby, picks up other son

A 32-year-old Kentucky woman who said she didn't know that she was pregnant delivered her newborn son on the floor of her laundry room by herself and even cut the umbilical cord. Kelly Bottom told The Advocate-Messenger that she also picked up her other son from school and stopped in at the baby's grandmother's house to show her the infant before going to the hospital Thursday.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Pet shop owner claims fish is 43, weighs 20 pounds

It sounds fishy but a New York City pet shop owner says it's true. Buttkiss, the black pacu he owns, is 43 and weighs 20 pounds. A pacu is a breed that's related to the piranha. Steve Gruebel owns Cameo Pet Shop in Queens. He got Buttkiss in 1967 when he was just a wee thing. He sold him a year later when Buttkiss was two inches long. But in 1970, Buttkiss was returned when he outgrew the buyer's tank.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

NYC chef creates breast milk cheese

Breast milk cheese, anyone? A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse's mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes. They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

eBay item: Xbox that brought down Baltimore mayor

Prosecutors in former Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon's perjury case are putting the spoils of their efforts on eBay.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Pa. suit: Bank wrongly repossessed home, took bird

A Pittsburgh-area woman is suing Bank of America, claiming it wrongfully repossessed her home and saying that a bank contractor trashed the house and took her parrot.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Police hunt for Teddy Roosevelt walrus tusk thief

Authorities are hunting for the person who stole a 15-inch walrus tusk from Theodore Roosevelt's home on Long Island.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

New Zealand woman sells souls to highest bidder

The rare spirits that went under the gavel at a recent online auction in New Zealand weren't aged brandies or hard-to-find liqueurs.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

'Old Baldy' horse head going back up in Philly

A museum in Philadelphia will once again showcase the head of Old Baldy, the horse Gen. George Meade rode during many of the Civil War's most infamous battles.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

McDonald's parking spot dispute turns violent

A long-running argument over a favorite McDonald's parking spot has resulted in an assault conviction. A Colorado jury on Friday convicted 52-year-old Vernon Brandt of Loveland of felony third-degree assault for a 2008 fight with 85-year-old Richard Albers.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Accused scratch-off thief returns to same store

A Winter Haven man was arrested after authorities said he took a winning scratch-off ticket back to the store he had stolen it from a day earlier. The Polk County Sheriff's Office reported that a 22-year-old man stole $70 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets from a Circle K store on Sunday. One of the tickets revealed a $50 prize.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Police: Woman again tries using cabs to steal TVs

Police said a North Pole woman accused in December of stealing televisions and hiring a cabbie as her getaway driver is now accused of trying it again. The Fairbanks Dail News-Miner reported that a 27-year-old woman was charged with second-degree felony robbery and misdemeanor theft in the Friday incident, which occurred just one week after she posted bail in the similar case last year.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Woman allegedly stabs ex after looking at phone

Las Cruces police said a woman has been arrested for allegedly stabbing her ex-husband. Police said a 27-year-old woman was charged with three counts of aggravated battery against a household member and one count of battery. She was being held on $15,000 bond at the Dona Ana County Detention Center. The woman's ex-husband was taken to a hospital for treatment of his wounds after the Thursday night altercation.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Granny camps out 43 hours for grandson's ice cream

Here's one Wisconsin grandmother who makes time for her grandson. Michelle Cuestas of Green Bay used two vacation days and camped out for 43 hours to make sure her grandson would be first in line for the 2010 opening of a Stevens Point ice-cream landmark.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer

A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

No oath _ no conviction, Mich. court says

A Michigan man sent to prison for 15 years is getting a new trial after the judge failed to do a routine procedure - ask the jury to take an oath.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Man OK after steering wheel pops off while driving

State troopers said a man is lucky to have only minor injuries when he crashed his car into a barn after his steering wheel popped off while driving. Trooper Keith Leary said the 59-year-old man was driving his 1978 Buick on Thursday afternoon on State Route 530 when his steering wheel came off, the car left the road, went down an embankment, up the other side, and crashed into a barn.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Firefighters free duck stuck in Santa Fe chimney

The bad luck of a stuck duck changed when firefighters in Santa Fe rescued the bird wedged in a chimney. Fire Chief Tommy Anderson said the homeowner heard the bird and lit a fire, hoping the duck would get out on its own from the open-top chimney. Anderson said the plan backfired, when "it filled her house with smoke." Firefighters who were summoned around 5 p.m. Wednesday determined the bird was too big to get free on its own.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

SC cop stops go-cart, arrests man on drug charges

A go-cart wasn't much of a getaway vehicle for a South Carolina man. The Herald-Journal of Spartanburg reported that sheriff's deputies have arrested 29-year-old Edward Matthew Sweezy of Union after they stopped him last week at an intersection in Union.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Mass. mortuary hopes chili cook-off brings 'life'

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying "bring life" to business with a chili cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries. Terry Probst, the new managing partner of the Devanny-Condron Funeral Home in Pittsfield, hopes the events will remind people that the funeral home is a center for community life.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Police say cook put body hair in cop's sandwich

Police said a cook put a body hair in the bagel sandwich of a police officer who had given him tickets in the past. The cook was arrested Feb. 21 in the kitchen of Good Foods to Go in Evesham. The police officer ticketed the cook in March 2009 when he failed to pull over for a traffic violation.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Utah man determined to get arrested gets his wish

A man rebuffed in an attempt to get arrested, finally got his wish when he went for an officer's handgun. Unified police documents said the 54-year-old transient tried to turn himself in at the jail last weekend but an officer told him he had no reason to arrest him. At that point, police said the man grabbed for the officer's gun saying, "Maybe I'll try suicide by cop."
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Escaped Wash. inmate caught sinking in Moses Lake

A handcuffed man who escaped from a chain line of other inmates at Grant County District Court managed to steal a truck and jump into Moses Lake where deputies had to rescue him. Undersheriff John Turley told The Columbia Basin Herald the 39-year-old man was at risk of drowning Monday when an officer threw him a life vest.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Elusive Fla. monkey dodges captors, defies darts

A monkey that has eluded capture in the Tampa Bay area for more than a year has again escaped from Florida wildlife officials. Authorities were called to a neighborhood in St. Petersburg on Wednesday when the rhesus macaque monkey was spotted. It was twice hit with tranquilizer darts, but still got away by ducking behind a drug store and a church.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Still a sticky issue: Singapore keeps gum ban

Singapore said it will maintain a ban on chewing gum sales, a policy that has helped shape the city-state's international image as a tightly controlled, squeaky-clean island.
Read more [Weird News Miami Herald]

Our Lady of the Ugly Stain on a Samoan Wall

The South Pacific nation of Samoa recently switched from driving on the right to driving on the left. Since that has absolutely nothing at all to do with non-existent virgin mothers of fictional deities, people in Samoa who are afflicted with ridiculous religious delusions therefore believe this obvious water stain on the wall of a church is an Apparition of The Holy Virgin Mary, Mother of God, with Perfectly Intact Virginal Hymen. A so-called Marian Apparition, a message from Jeebus’ Mommy, saying, “Oy! watch out with that car, dodo head.” Or maybe it means that her son can see you masturbating. Or it could be just mineral deposits left behind by rainwater, but that’s just a guess that is consistent with the available facts.

The question is “How dumb do you have to be to see a fictional virgin in water marks on a wall?” and the answer is “Catholic.”

We are used to hearing these silly stories from Mexico, Texas, and other areas with a high concentration of people exposed to Mexican culture and superstitions. This is the first case to reach our attention from a Pacific island nation. A New Zealand newspaper says

A week after Samoans prayed en masse for a safe switch to driving on the left, a vision of the Virgin Mary has appeared.

It is also true that this apparition happened about a week after I made that big pot of black bean soup and ended up farting like a racehorse all night. Could it be that the alleged virgin wants me to cut back on the beans, but she missed Palm Springs by about 7,000 miles?

What we have here is an obvious case of pareidolia. People see things they believe exist. People are especially prone to recognize human faces and figures in random patterns of swirls. This is not some mystical virgin with intact hymen and a super-baby, it’s a freekin’ stain on a wall. Jeebus! Like many other such sightings there is a vague resemblance to the shape of a vagina.

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